Toxicity Detecting Device

I need to find a new toxicity detecting device.
People are nowadays sneakier in hiding their toxicity.
They play a role in which they appear to be pure, centered, whole, and then...gradually throw toxic thoughts into others, problems, baggage, bullshit.
There's something I've got that many people have, but most people don't see it, ignore what it is, or don't use it.

Today I had a bad feeling about someone...and I was effin right.......shit...

So I don't know.

I knew toxic when I saw it...now I ignore toxic until I'm suffocating.
I need a new detector...
I need a breath of fresh air.

And I need to stop fixing things.
Let them fix themselves.
Be a bit more selfish.
Ignore people's feelings a little more.
Stop helping, or trying to help.

That'll save me a couple slaps in the face.

I guess it's getting colder and more cynical here at the core...I don't mind...

bang bang.
L.M.

Pain

I've got a migraine...I shouldn't be staring at the screen, let alone writing, but for some reason I feel like if I don't my head will burst.
What the hell am I doing?
Who am I turning into?
I look at myself and I don't see me anymore, I see a distorted, disturbed, ruined version of myself, even though I do know I am doing things the way I am supposed to.
My days are totally blank and meaningless.
So are my thoughts.
Everything is related to working, money, what I want to do, plans, ideas...
My ability to randomly catch drifts is absolutely messed up.
It's messing me up.
I need to stop drifting.

Maybe levitate for a change...

Love, forever,

Lady Mynna, Gaia, me myself, and everybody else in my head...

Static

I am standing on one foot, on the last chair, which is balancing on a circus ball.
The last chair, is made of cotton candy and dissolves as an elephant blows moist air on it, taking its fluffiness, it's fullness away...
It will be dissolved.
I will fall from the cotton candy chair onto the circus ball and bounce...

Where? I don't know.

Just bounce.

The Radio Analogy

Why does it always happen the wrong way?
What is it with life that makes me start by the ending, the destruction, apocalypse or whatever knowing....yeah cause I know that one way or another I'll come to see you again, and things will be talked about, a level of understanding will be reached, and things will be less crappy, and happier for a little while, until I realise that everything that apocalypsed everything in the beginning was the ony reason why I was actually interested...
It's weird, cause, truth be told, what do I have in common with you? besides appeal, I don't think there's a lot...musical taste maybe, you dig a lot more indie, but who knows...maybe I dig indie and IDK. But what the hell am I thinking if you're an absolute asshole who only cares about his own face and doesn't even care about anyone else's.
Maybe staring at yourself in the mirror for long enough will make u see in how many levels you were wrong. With yourself, cause seriously, I don't give a shit anymore...I just want you to talk to me because I enjoy it, I don't care if you're not interested in me, I just want to listen to you...is it really that complicated?
You're like a radio I like. I mean, I don't want you around 24/7, I don't wanna share you with all of my friends, but I'd like to have you at hand when I want you.
Well that's totally selfish....true...but that's why I chose the "radio analogy option" cause in essence, listening to someone is, in core, helping them, and why not, keep them company?

I feel like a total ass sharing the basic communication abilities with you lot, the BASIC social health M.O....it's like everybody knows there are such things as social understanding rules and shit, but don't give a fuck about them at all...

I care...so while you go through the step 1 step 2 step 3 Discard all over again, I'll just be waiting for the top to stop spinning and get you back to where we started, or hopefully, where we left off....cause it's getting kinda boring, and I like u to bits XD lol that came out funny.

Stage 1 - Stage 2 - Stage 3 Discard

I've come to realise people are surprisingly methodic.

I used to think every single person was filled with surprises, new things, unexpected reactions, and such. I'm not so sure about that anymore.

Say the three stages of grieving or break up: stage 1 - need, nostalgia, heartbreak, begging for reconsideration, need for comfort, any chance to see, touch, feel the person you broke up with. stage 2 - the ice stage, the blame stage, thinking the other one's an ass, broke your heart, and with what right? evth he/she said was wrong, and he/she is a prick who is only thinking about him/herself. Hurtful words, angry calls, no filtering of insults, expression of hatred. stage 3 - Enlightment, resolution, understanding, consideration, sudden realisation that evth you conceived as real, was actually a misunderstanding, self esteem, appreciation of life, discarding.

Say the stages of relationships: stage 1 - sensitivity, demonstration of interest, appeal, attraction; dialogue, again, interest, in a different level, proposals, flirting, connection, finding similarities (a join the dots puzzle at this point, piece of cake), a little indifference; stage 2 - under-the-table suggestion, more sexual attraction, magnetism, interest, deeper talk, less chit chat, background checks, intercourse, more attraction, instinct taking over, more magnetism, chemistry, appeal, apparent bonding, chivalry, finding differences (a sudden brick to the face); stage 3 - balance, pros and cons, more indifference, appeal, attraction, only less animal, more thoughts, misinterpretations, vague, ambiguous suggestions, ideas, plans. Less demonstration of interest, routines breaking in, disappointment, appreciation of oneself, discarding.

Say the stages at a job: stage 1 - new job, appeal, happiness, nerves, curiosity, interest, eagerness to learn, sense of importance, uniqueness, unquestioned capabilities, abilities. stage 2 - finding stability, new value of one's work, one's insistence, fruitful results, happiness, eagerness to improve, confidence that one is indispensable, important, proactive, hard working. Stage 3 - finding errors, indifference, proactiveness discarded, feeling lack of importance, dullness, boredom, routine, more health issues, or apparent issues, psychological status modification, less interest, less spark, simple routine and comfort, less value of oneself, discarding.

So basically what I mean is....what is really the point? IF it all leads to the same, and please, please take into account the -allcaps- IF, what is really the point? We are no longer individuals, no longer interested in anything and the only thing we manage to do, repeatedly, is go through extremely similar stages, in different aspects of life...

To get by: discarding.

(nasty little word, so perfect for this)

White mornings, Black nights

The only thing I want...is peace of mind...

But my need for control and mindwrecking neurosis does not allow it to come in.

Shit.

I'll go back to my usual bitterness....

Or not.

But at least I know what I want.

Help getting it?

Would def come in handy.

Hmm...

Defense Mechanism

We are gathered here today cause we really have nothing better to do...I mean me, and my multiple personalities.
I'm not the best at feeling the worst. I usually just restrain every little feeling of despair and try to use my time for something better. Say...ride a bike, read a book, write a blog...
Now I only seem to be going in a straight line towards feeling crappy.
As if the ring leader in the circus in my head had decided to lead everyone through a dramatic, melancholy filled, tear shedding heartbreaking show.
I'm not sad about my current...say emotional situation. I'm sad about having been the one who brought me into the emotional situation.
I'd rather be damaged than damaging.
It is definitely annoying, knowing that I would feel a lot better if only my heart had been trampled on instead. Which is kinda ridiculous.
But what can I do?
Continue with a life of lies and deception only to feel like I'm doing good to someone? Only to keep myself form hurting someone?
No...I can't do that.
A broken heart heals...trust me, I've been there. And usually after two days or so instead of trying to get the person back you start throwing shit against them, burning pictures, telling them they were wrong, and what they're gonna miss, and how you do not agree with anything and how he/she is a pathetic piece of shit and if they don't change they'll end up alone, and I am way better without him/her, and they can throw themselves off a bridge, cause, really, as alone as they'll end up noone will care.
But you were in love before though.
So all this bantering is simply a defense mechanism.
To make yourself believe you're stronger, and that you can get by. And it usually works.
Been there, done that, gone through that...only never from the other side.
I've never been the heartbreaker, always the heartbroken...
So now....I'm stepping into a new side of the stage. Pulling my hat off my head...stepping forward...and saying...

I wish someday you'll understand...this was never about you.

Shut up

There is a reason why silence was invented.
I think maybe it's because sometimes we are just better off not saying anything.
Say, if I want to order food for lunch, I better talk, but if I'm at a meeting thinking one of the clients' toupée is crooked...I'd better keep my mouth shut.

Truth be told, I always talk too much when I'm not supposed to.

Call it nerves...call it senseless word vomit.

Call it whatever you like, but there's nothing less productive than telling me "I don't wanna talk", or, "listen, then speak", or even better "I need silence".

That's nothing but an automatic road to my, "hey, but what's up?" "r u ok?" "is it sth I did?" "anything I can do to help?"

And then....a huge space rock (yeah, space rock) collides against the earth and breaks everything into a million tiny pieces that mix and match in all the incorrect ways, like a forced-to-fit puzzle that doesn't make sense and suddenly life is an upturned omelette.

Everything I thought I had figured out I haven't. Everything I thought I knew I don't. All the things I guessed, I guessed wrong. And now you think I meant something different when, actually, what you said was exactly what I meant.

I only chose my words wrong. Or my words' timing wrong.

I should carry a "word vomit baggy" around...just in case.

'Cause I'm tired of losing battles by my own mouth.

'Cause I want exactly what I said. And I can't have it now...and it pisses me off.

And I get cranky when I'm pissed off....and off go the words again.

So...maybe I should let you do the talking...whenever you decide you wanna do that.

I'll just listen, and shut the fuck up.

Orange Juice

Crisis.

My decision skills are waaaaaaaaay stressed and I am unable to make any decision...come to resolutions, anything at all...
My usual apparent "balance", pros and cons lists and shit aren't working.
I'm simply failing every subject in the rational department.....fuck.

I can't even write right anymore...(say it loud a couple times....now faster!)

Deadlines, limits, in some way help us choose...

The thing here is, I am not sure what it is I'm choosing cause there are too many options, possible results, possible formulas or ideas and it's driving me completely nuts.-

It's as if the boxing ring were a strange thousand cornered polygon, with one wrestler in each corner, each description taking forever, people start leaving, cause, man, come on...you can't say: "in corner 1 'the douche', feels like getting bags of manure shoved at yor face repeatedly, a wonderful sensation if you compare it to being dismembered"when you can see there are other 50 corners....you should basically go: the douche, the chance, the denial, the solution, the bastard, the game, the idea, the project, and simply list'em all and pick the one that sounds best.

Usually I'm wrong when I pick.
I make terrible assumptions about things, people...

and sometimes, let's say, the douche......is disguised as the idea, building up smoke castles with false "sensitivity crap". ("sensitivity crap" is a copyright product of: Yeah, I'm so gonna fall for that again, jerk! Inc.; donations welcome. email: itotallyam@atwit.com XD....feeling kinda déjavuish now.

Well...anyhow, I've lost the ability to decide...so...I'll just wait for it to come back...the worst thing that can happen is that I pick two different socks to wear...or have some hot chocolate with pizza...or whatever...

bang bang today lovies.

L M

Insight Out (stealing my own CW ideas)

I gave this title to one of my students, and thought, "why not use it?"

Well here I am, sitting in front of the computer one more time, on a different day, which is actually kind of the same as all the previous ones, only later in time...
Truth be told, I sound so depressive I'm starting to believe I might actually be going through some level of depression.
No, I'm not a sad person, I do not think of killing myself or "ending my misery" in any way, other than, perhaps, taking the pain in, growing up, and leaving this dose of shit behind me.
I am, in many levels, losing grip of my own emotional boundaries, limits, outbursts.

I am losing grip in many levels.

That would be more accurate.
There have been better days, I am sure, and hopefully there will be better days later on.
I am not really sure of what I want in life, what I expect of myself, of others, of everyone and everything.
This uncertainty is what is slowly dooming me to my eternal q&a loop.
"What do I want?"
"I don't know"
"How do I feel?"
"I don't know..."
"Am I happy with my life?"
"I don't know....but I don't think I am"

Cause nobody questions their happiness when they are happy.
They simply are.
Happy.-

But maybe happiness is overrated...and we just need to settle for not being unhappy.

Mediocrity being my middle name after saying that.
Let's aim high.

Kiss kiss, bang bang,

Lady Mynna

Eyes open. Doors open.

Some things are meant to be, others are not.
Sometimes you feel like it should be meant to be, when it isn't, some others you think it isn't, that everything is against it, and yet, it is.

Strangely we always come to standard conclusions, things are left unsaid, we stop thinking things over, trying to cover up the fact that we are all incredibly screwed and there's nothing, seriously nothing left for us to do but to lay back and contemplate our shitty reality (which is our own, so don't try to get out of it).

I never hesitate to report a feeling, or banter about things that are simply not well, say things just to get them off my chest, freeing my head, and heart, from the pressure that constantly builds under the pump.

Some people do not like outbursts.

Some people don't want to hear/read/see you say everything you think or feel, or breathe out loud. I don't care.

If there is something I am definitely proud of is my ability to explode.
I will never ever ever ever ever (eva eva eva eva) become one of those inexplicably numb, idiotic puppets that draw a smile on their faces with a permanent marker, without noticing that even permanent markers smudge...
I will not end up looking like a melting clown, whose only objective in life is to be liked, be normal, be politically correct, socially accepted.

Fuck that.

I wanna be free.
I want my mind, heart and soul to be free with me.

Cause this is who I am, who I always will be.

And if you don't wanna deal with me...move on move out and up up and away (cause I don't need complications)

Crystal unclear

I do not wish to be cold.
I wish to remain calm, objective, rational and understanding.
I am in a loop.
Plummeting towards my deepest emotions.

I need my instinct, my sense of survival.

I also need to let go.

I need to find in myself the will to find myself.
I am completely and utterly blocked.
Emotionally
Physically

I am broken.
And there's no tape that can fix this mess...

My mess.

My mental destruction.

I wish I could turn back time. Turn myself back. Face myself and say "This is what I want". But there's something about mirrors that jut makes me sadder.

Maybe it is my own expression.
Maybe it's someone else's reflected in mine.

Oh well...it'll pass...eventually

Sum up

I've been gone a while, yes, I know, I've neglected my own right to express myself, and publish my thoughts on the worldwide web.
However, there's a lot of things that have been going on in my mind that are way too complicated too post on a public blog site.

This said.

My exclusive one (or maybe two) person audience has requested my comeback, so I promise to post something at least in the next couple of days.

Thanks for reading, or for staring at the screen blankly trying to find any possible sense to my crazy talk, mind jolt, mood swing, ass kicking self-betrayal or whatever.

Bla bla, bye bye

See you soon

Mynna

Lip gloss and ultra fun stuff to get my mind off...

SHIT.

Well, I'm sorry but I had to, I've been looking at websites related to fashion beauty and makeup all week...and god would I love to have enough money to buy everything from clothes to contacts.

I guess I can be really shallow sometimes...but the truth is... looking pretty makes me feel better about myself, and feeling better about myself makes me act better and more self confident around other which in general not only attracts the right kind of people, but also ensures a positive and merry life, as long as feeling good, makes you happy.

And it should, if you think about it.

So, even though this will not have as big a kazaam, BANG, or baboom as my other texts which my one person audience enjoys :D
Here's something for the girls to look at, and maybe see if any of these sites relates to them, or makes them think, hey, I'd look really nice in that...or something...so.

I drink to self-esteem boosters, even virtual ones...and trust me...next month, my credit card'll have Victoria's Secret written all over it. XD

Love y'all :D

http://www.eyeslipsface.com/

http://www.victoriassecret.com/

http://www.pixibeauty.com/

http://www.reginak.com/

http://www.susilatantrik.com/

http://www.jesus-fernandez.com.ar/

There's a lot more, but you just gotta wait for the next issue (includes shoes:))

I thought I'd been clear...

But I guess we're just cloudy with chance of perhaps.

For some reason I thought I'd written something else after this blog....I don't know what the heck happened...but I can't find the others....

Weird...

Let alone I'm not the only admin in this blog...but admin nº2 made it darn clear he doesn't give a rat's ass about me...or ever did by the way, so he wouldn't have edited this...

well...hope this one sticks..

kiss kiss...

shoot out

RIP

Old friends equal....

Fun.

Someone who knows practically everything about you.

Because of the above: embarrassment...lol

Memories...all mashed up together in a pint of beer XD

Some kinda maybe sorta stir inside... who knows...am I nostalgic?

Fun again...

No words needed connection.

No explanation needed looks.

Stare = shrug = laugh

Well..anyway, I love my old friends.

But who doesn't?

They're so much better when they're old, broken and mentally challenged like myself.

Love ya.

B.