Insight Out (stealing my own CW ideas)

I gave this title to one of my students, and thought, "why not use it?"

Well here I am, sitting in front of the computer one more time, on a different day, which is actually kind of the same as all the previous ones, only later in time...
Truth be told, I sound so depressive I'm starting to believe I might actually be going through some level of depression.
No, I'm not a sad person, I do not think of killing myself or "ending my misery" in any way, other than, perhaps, taking the pain in, growing up, and leaving this dose of shit behind me.
I am, in many levels, losing grip of my own emotional boundaries, limits, outbursts.

I am losing grip in many levels.

That would be more accurate.
There have been better days, I am sure, and hopefully there will be better days later on.
I am not really sure of what I want in life, what I expect of myself, of others, of everyone and everything.
This uncertainty is what is slowly dooming me to my eternal q&a loop.
"What do I want?"
"I don't know"
"How do I feel?"
"I don't know..."
"Am I happy with my life?"
"I don't know....but I don't think I am"

Cause nobody questions their happiness when they are happy.
They simply are.
Happy.-

But maybe happiness is overrated...and we just need to settle for not being unhappy.

Mediocrity being my middle name after saying that.
Let's aim high.

Kiss kiss, bang bang,

Lady Mynna

Eyes open. Doors open.

Some things are meant to be, others are not.
Sometimes you feel like it should be meant to be, when it isn't, some others you think it isn't, that everything is against it, and yet, it is.

Strangely we always come to standard conclusions, things are left unsaid, we stop thinking things over, trying to cover up the fact that we are all incredibly screwed and there's nothing, seriously nothing left for us to do but to lay back and contemplate our shitty reality (which is our own, so don't try to get out of it).

I never hesitate to report a feeling, or banter about things that are simply not well, say things just to get them off my chest, freeing my head, and heart, from the pressure that constantly builds under the pump.

Some people do not like outbursts.

Some people don't want to hear/read/see you say everything you think or feel, or breathe out loud. I don't care.

If there is something I am definitely proud of is my ability to explode.
I will never ever ever ever ever (eva eva eva eva) become one of those inexplicably numb, idiotic puppets that draw a smile on their faces with a permanent marker, without noticing that even permanent markers smudge...
I will not end up looking like a melting clown, whose only objective in life is to be liked, be normal, be politically correct, socially accepted.

Fuck that.

I wanna be free.
I want my mind, heart and soul to be free with me.

Cause this is who I am, who I always will be.

And if you don't wanna deal with me...move on move out and up up and away (cause I don't need complications)

Crystal unclear

I do not wish to be cold.
I wish to remain calm, objective, rational and understanding.
I am in a loop.
Plummeting towards my deepest emotions.

I need my instinct, my sense of survival.

I also need to let go.

I need to find in myself the will to find myself.
I am completely and utterly blocked.
Emotionally
Physically

I am broken.
And there's no tape that can fix this mess...

My mess.

My mental destruction.

I wish I could turn back time. Turn myself back. Face myself and say "This is what I want". But there's something about mirrors that jut makes me sadder.

Maybe it is my own expression.
Maybe it's someone else's reflected in mine.

Oh well...it'll pass...eventually

Sum up

I've been gone a while, yes, I know, I've neglected my own right to express myself, and publish my thoughts on the worldwide web.
However, there's a lot of things that have been going on in my mind that are way too complicated too post on a public blog site.

This said.

My exclusive one (or maybe two) person audience has requested my comeback, so I promise to post something at least in the next couple of days.

Thanks for reading, or for staring at the screen blankly trying to find any possible sense to my crazy talk, mind jolt, mood swing, ass kicking self-betrayal or whatever.

Bla bla, bye bye

See you soon

Mynna