Fuzzy

Dwelling in a balloon-air filled-fuzzy filling, I mean feeling...or do I?

Random thinking, random laughing, random cheering for noone. I am filled with hot air, condensing and repeatedly biting misery to the bone, choking on chewtoys and mindfucks, breaking melting, supersensing, hyperfeeling, expanding contractions.

Today's feeling is - - - floaty - - - I'm not even sure if it is a word, and no, I will not search for it on Google because I just don't think my writing over, so if floaty is not a word, at least get the picture...

I am wondering what all of this means...am I...over it? under it? avoiding it? distorting it?

I turn purple as I keep the air in, same as when I choke the tears back, but there are no tears...there is no pain...I just feel...stable.

Or maybe it is the plummeting sensation towards inminent mental destruction and half my brain really isn't functioning anymore.

I can't control the muscles on my face...I'm just blank.

Weird enough...I feel better when I'm blank...there is something about emptiness that makes me feel extremely light and pure, and filled with joy.

Perhaps I'm overcrowded, and my cells are just pouring out of my eyes, indulging my very desperation to flee, fly, flow, flum.... (??)

Perhaps I've had enough of what I say I want and now want what I never say.

Or maybe I'm just fucked up like I've been for the past year because of the same darn thing.

Loveys...today I'm feeling funny, and I don't know how to handle it.

Locate Me

Let's see now.

I wonder why it is that I always end up as an "upon request" commodity.

I don't call anyone

I rarely ask for advice

I don't bug (a lot)

I don't ask anyone to do anything for me at all

I am available

I care about other people's feelings in general.

What I wanna know is why

why I practically never call

why noone ever answers when I do.

I guess the answer to the first is hidden in the second.

I will never call, trust or depend on anyone because: noone is available.-

Sorry.

I tried.

I'm back to being me, so use me when u like people, I'll be here, and then I'll be gone.

Cause I've come to notice that everytime I need something, the only person who really gives it to me...is myself.

Cause that's the way things work out for the best for everyone.

Bang Bang.

Sorry kittehs, there's no love from me tonite.

LMH

I am entitled to an attorney.

Lady Mynna Lotte Belle
Lotte Lady Mynna Belle
Belle Lady Mynna Lotte
Belle Lotte Lady Mynna
Lotte Belle Lady Mynna

There are so many aspects to a person that I cannot fully comprehend their functioning. Not even mine, for that matter.

These "Alter Egos" we create are actually not a simple figment of our imaginations, but a precise dissociation of who we are in whole. Every name you've seen me call myself so far, is merely a reflection of my mood, state of mind, emotional situation, or general existence.

Lady Mynna is the strongest, the hardcore, or hard core of my soul. The rational de-constructive, instructional, Lady Mynna, originally known as Lady Mynna Hawk, for the acuteness of her eye and perception. She hangs out in my creative writing blogs mostly to provide an analytical perception of my emotionally bridged reality. I like her, she's sort of a filter.

Lotte is a melancholic, slightly romantic and childlike feature, first taken from the name of a girl that happened to die on the day that I was born, found in one of those weird websites one of my weird friends posted on facebook that lets you look up graves all over the world by date, name, location, etc. I liked her description, she died when I bloomed into life...what other explanation can I give? I'm a helpless romantic...

Belle... is me
I am Belle

It is one of the possible nicknames you can bring out of my name. It is the preference for most of the people who know me, though some are either more creative, or more generic. In the basics, Belle is who I am...which would actually mean..


BELLE

includes

Lady Mynna Hawk

and

Lotte

Which seems to me to be the right decision to make when attempting to define my functioning.

YES

I am a fully functional person.

In conclusion, I assume I am the Belle that everybody sees, with creative and emotional outbursts and meltdowns, writer's and artist's blocks, inability to sleep, to put words into speech, attempting to break the next personal limit or barrier as soon as the previous one has been broken. Impatient, with a slightly distorted image of what life should and shouldn't consist in. And a need...no, hunger for change and improvisation. I am the Lady Mynna Hawk who positively gathers all of my jumbled thoughts and feelings and makes them into an apple pie. Or a text, or mere words, but simply deconstructs, remakes, and puts the puzzle pieces together (making my life definitely easier, though clashing with the improvisation field above)Tends to speak sarcastically, sometimes treating everyone, even the rest of myself as if she knew better, has a tendency to be cold, though perceived as cool and makes acute observations of general human behaviour...And I'm also Lotte, the inner child, the blossoming human being (being human I'm still not sure blossoming into one can be truly called blossoming), the one that feels, craves, loves, amazes and dances to a different beat than the one that's playing.


So, now that I've spilled my own analytical version of me.

I shall go splashing thought and concepts around, twirling on the sidewalk like a child, and concentrating on the positioning of tiles in order not to fall.


G'Day and see you soon.

Sunshine*

...

Nah, just kidding

Kiss kiss bang bang (I think I'd rather leave with a kiss than with a bang)...right?

Belle-Lady Mynna Hawk-Lotte