I woke up yesterday evening with a sickening feeling of emptiness inside. I was taken aback by the darkness of the sky, but thought: why should I care? What can I do? Am I supposed to care? To turn back time? To stay awake? To feel alive?
Something is true… I felt like trash. Real trash.
I spent a few minutes thinking, and then fell asleep.
Yes. I fell asleep again, and for a longer time this time. I woke up early in the morning, amazingly enough, I was still tired. I was down, torn, dead, blue, bored, drawn. I felt as if a train had ran over me…as if I had been trampled over by a thousand wild horses…
Why? I don’t know. I’m still tired now…very tired. I sometimes feel as if I’m not supposed to be alive, I feel broken, and in despair I cry out loud: What’s the difference? Why are you keeping me alive? Why am I supposed to bear this life constantly?
Who knows, right? I bet there’s nobody in the world that can answer that for me…ha ha… There’s one thing I’m sure of… nothing will change…nothing ever has.
If I should wonder why I’m the way I am… Whatever… I don’t know what I am, I don’t know where I belong, I don’t know what I’m here for, I just do my best.
Don’t I?
Do I? Really? I don’t think I do… I just am… but am I? Do I exist or is it just what people sees of me that exists? Am I for real? Am I alive? Am I all right? Do I breathe? Do I live? Can I speak?
I suppose I should know…shouldn’t I?
Maybe I just need to give myself a break, to take a long, long breath and sigh, and cry all my pain into a pillow. Oh my…I’ve just enumerated the normal things a person who actually feels would do. I think I’ve always thought my only use in this world is for thinking.Done, done with this text, absolutely done.

Regret

Iba a postear algo que escribí hace un tiempo pero me arrepentí.
Creo que lo que escribo y no me esfuerzo por publicar es por alguna razón, no por falta de tiempo ni por ser poco sutil...porque quienes hayan seguido un poco la evolución de este blog saben que mucho no me guardo, y menos desde que empecé a escribir en castellano.
Estoy medio enferma, muy cansada y un poco sensible...genial la combinación, grrr.... Me quiero ir a dormir desde hace dos horas pero sé que si lo hago después me levanto a las 3 am y me quiero cortar las venas con una lima oxidada....y de cartón.
Bueno, bueno...tampoco es que la vida es tan mala...no? no? no?!! demonios...odio los monólogos justamente porque no se obtiene respuesta inmediata....darn....Bueno me cansé de tipear, de escribir, de hablar, de bla bla bla bla...y de pensar en cómo hacer que entiendan todos lo que pasa por mi cabeza, so....I officially give up!
Kiss