I woke up yesterday evening with a sickening feeling of emptiness inside. I was taken aback by the darkness of the sky, but thought: why should I care? What can I do? Am I supposed to care? To turn back time? To stay awake? To feel alive?
Something is true… I felt like trash. Real trash.
I spent a few minutes thinking, and then fell asleep.
Yes. I fell asleep again, and for a longer time this time. I woke up early in the morning, amazingly enough, I was still tired. I was down, torn, dead, blue, bored, drawn. I felt as if a train had ran over me…as if I had been trampled over by a thousand wild horses…
Why? I don’t know. I’m still tired now…very tired. I sometimes feel as if I’m not supposed to be alive, I feel broken, and in despair I cry out loud: What’s the difference? Why are you keeping me alive? Why am I supposed to bear this life constantly?
Who knows, right? I bet there’s nobody in the world that can answer that for me…ha ha… There’s one thing I’m sure of… nothing will change…nothing ever has.
If I should wonder why I’m the way I am… Whatever… I don’t know what I am, I don’t know where I belong, I don’t know what I’m here for, I just do my best.
Don’t I?
Do I? Really? I don’t think I do… I just am… but am I? Do I exist or is it just what people sees of me that exists? Am I for real? Am I alive? Am I all right? Do I breathe? Do I live? Can I speak?
I suppose I should know…shouldn’t I?
Maybe I just need to give myself a break, to take a long, long breath and sigh, and cry all my pain into a pillow. Oh my…I’ve just enumerated the normal things a person who actually feels would do. I think I’ve always thought my only use in this world is for thinking.Done, done with this text, absolutely done.