Paranoia

So you're going home, back from a get-together party with some friends, and while riding the almost empty bus, you realize you might just be one of the top 5 oldest people in it.

That sucks.

The bus you took leaves you about 6 blocks away from your place, and you start walking, in a bit of a hurry, and you find yourself looking around like a hamster waiting for a hawk to plummet down and attack.
You can see everything around you, I guess night makes us more....aware, that's probably the right word. Your eyesight is sharper, you hear practically anything and pay attention to everything from what people are wearing, to the way they walk, checking if they are a potential menace to your wellbeing.

You put your cell-phone in a pocket, the smallest, hardest one to find, in case someone is lurking in the dark waiting to grab it from you; you clench your purse/put hand in your pockets to protect your few belongings from the world. You walk fast, looking back and around every few paces, squinting in order to see whether or not the person walking a block away from you is coming towards you or going the other way.

On the other hand, your legs feel like they're made of lead, or some solid matter making it harder, even, to get home. It's like everything is against you, you feel paranoid, insecure, scared, and slightly courageous for having dared going out in such a dark night. You see the moon, and wish you had a telescopic camera with you....although you would most likely be thrusting it into your chest covering as much of the case as possible so as not to be robbed.

Every time I go out and come back alone, I find myself fearing the possibility of being mugged, robbed, raped, beaten, or all of the above. Tonight, as I turned around the corner to my place, I saw two things on the floor...a condom wrapper, and a personal lubricant wrapper, the kind that comes in a condom box....both were open, I could tell from where I was standing, and it made me wonder...Is it simply the remainings of a badly knotted garbage bag? Maybe someone tossed it too hard and sent these two particular wrappers flying to the ground...

...and then comes the spine chilling thought....

What if someone was surprised here, restrained by someone, held against a wall and raped (with condom and lube) right on my street corner?

I know it is extreme, but what isn't nowadays?

I see people go into their buildings trusting that the door will shut behind them, not considering that someone might be rushing towards it the moment they turn their backs, holding it, and getting in fast enough to put a gun to their heads and go into their homes...their safe spots...you never know.

This society, this country, this world, they have made me paranoid, constantly worrying about being attacked by some random stranger in the street when all I wanted was to have a good time, with friends, away from home. I have grown more and more afraid of places I used to strut around mindlessly, holding a reflex camera in my hand in the middle of the night hoping to catch moonlight....

I have been here.

But it was different.

I was different.

I guess the tide has changed.

Fine

So I guess I haven't had a lot to say in the past couple of weeks, or maybe I have, but haven't had the time...the will...the whatnots. I don't know, and to be true, I don't really have anything to say right now, well I do, I just don't feel like publishing any of it on the web.

Am I happy?

No, not just yet.

That's a question I must ask everytime things seem to be nice and cozy, and better, and good. I am happy with some things, with my projects, for example, my job? well....sometimes I am, somewhere around paycheck time y'know... anyway...

I'm fine :)

F.I.N.E Fucked up, Insecure, Neurotic, and Emotional

LOL not really....just had to.

Cya Loveys

Visual Love

So, it's a new year, a whole new year to make a whole new bunch of mistakes. To meet a whole new bunch of people, and decide what we need to stop doing to prevent our premature, yet imminent death.

You know, most people categorize people who think of death as something imminent as depressive, lacking purpose and such; hovewer, I couldn't disagree more.

I mean, it's not as simple as it seems, to embrace the fact that in a not so far away future, we will be dead, and we will be forgotten, and everything we lived for will just be a page in whatever type of life we led. If, in fact, there are pages in our lives, or records, for that matter.

I take pictures...I take a lot of pictures, though lately I find it harder and harder to publish them online. Why? Because I'm selfish.

And I like looking at the pictures I take, and not sharing them.

There goes my career as a photographer look!!!! (flushing sound) heck no! There are some that I show.

Truth is, photographs are not only a record of what happened, of the people you know, of what you've done; they are also a part of whoever took them.

To explain this better, cause I tend to go offtopic in a second, whoever takes the picture leaves his own, personal, special view of whatever he/she is capturing.

You see, there are a thousand angles to an image, even more, in fact, and there is no way of being objective when taking a picture.

It is YOUR way of seeing, your way of looking at the world, and it is in fact painful sometimes to share.

Of course, it is different when you take photos of people you don't know, or random events or parties, but say, you take a picture of someone you love, a friend, relative, partner, or whatever, it is different....why? Because noone sees the person you're taking pictures of with your eyes. Because MAYBE in your eyes, a picture, or a person is beautiful because of how much LOVE you put into it, or them.

So I guess I'm going offtopic again, but man, love is, definitely, the most beautiful, amazing, heart-filling, mindfucking feeling in the whole world.

And in this world, the one I live in, as I see it, everyone deserves to be loved...

So, love.

Love Love Love Love, and don't give a fuck about getting anything back, because nothing should make you feel fuller than having the ability to love, unconditionally, forever, and in such a great scale that it's unmeasurable.

Happy New Year!