Stage 1 - Stage 2 - Stage 3 Discard

I've come to realise people are surprisingly methodic.

I used to think every single person was filled with surprises, new things, unexpected reactions, and such. I'm not so sure about that anymore.

Say the three stages of grieving or break up: stage 1 - need, nostalgia, heartbreak, begging for reconsideration, need for comfort, any chance to see, touch, feel the person you broke up with. stage 2 - the ice stage, the blame stage, thinking the other one's an ass, broke your heart, and with what right? evth he/she said was wrong, and he/she is a prick who is only thinking about him/herself. Hurtful words, angry calls, no filtering of insults, expression of hatred. stage 3 - Enlightment, resolution, understanding, consideration, sudden realisation that evth you conceived as real, was actually a misunderstanding, self esteem, appreciation of life, discarding.

Say the stages of relationships: stage 1 - sensitivity, demonstration of interest, appeal, attraction; dialogue, again, interest, in a different level, proposals, flirting, connection, finding similarities (a join the dots puzzle at this point, piece of cake), a little indifference; stage 2 - under-the-table suggestion, more sexual attraction, magnetism, interest, deeper talk, less chit chat, background checks, intercourse, more attraction, instinct taking over, more magnetism, chemistry, appeal, apparent bonding, chivalry, finding differences (a sudden brick to the face); stage 3 - balance, pros and cons, more indifference, appeal, attraction, only less animal, more thoughts, misinterpretations, vague, ambiguous suggestions, ideas, plans. Less demonstration of interest, routines breaking in, disappointment, appreciation of oneself, discarding.

Say the stages at a job: stage 1 - new job, appeal, happiness, nerves, curiosity, interest, eagerness to learn, sense of importance, uniqueness, unquestioned capabilities, abilities. stage 2 - finding stability, new value of one's work, one's insistence, fruitful results, happiness, eagerness to improve, confidence that one is indispensable, important, proactive, hard working. Stage 3 - finding errors, indifference, proactiveness discarded, feeling lack of importance, dullness, boredom, routine, more health issues, or apparent issues, psychological status modification, less interest, less spark, simple routine and comfort, less value of oneself, discarding.

So basically what I mean is....what is really the point? IF it all leads to the same, and please, please take into account the -allcaps- IF, what is really the point? We are no longer individuals, no longer interested in anything and the only thing we manage to do, repeatedly, is go through extremely similar stages, in different aspects of life...

To get by: discarding.

(nasty little word, so perfect for this)

White mornings, Black nights

The only thing I want...is peace of mind...

But my need for control and mindwrecking neurosis does not allow it to come in.

Shit.

I'll go back to my usual bitterness....

Or not.

But at least I know what I want.

Help getting it?

Would def come in handy.

Hmm...

Defense Mechanism

We are gathered here today cause we really have nothing better to do...I mean me, and my multiple personalities.
I'm not the best at feeling the worst. I usually just restrain every little feeling of despair and try to use my time for something better. Say...ride a bike, read a book, write a blog...
Now I only seem to be going in a straight line towards feeling crappy.
As if the ring leader in the circus in my head had decided to lead everyone through a dramatic, melancholy filled, tear shedding heartbreaking show.
I'm not sad about my current...say emotional situation. I'm sad about having been the one who brought me into the emotional situation.
I'd rather be damaged than damaging.
It is definitely annoying, knowing that I would feel a lot better if only my heart had been trampled on instead. Which is kinda ridiculous.
But what can I do?
Continue with a life of lies and deception only to feel like I'm doing good to someone? Only to keep myself form hurting someone?
No...I can't do that.
A broken heart heals...trust me, I've been there. And usually after two days or so instead of trying to get the person back you start throwing shit against them, burning pictures, telling them they were wrong, and what they're gonna miss, and how you do not agree with anything and how he/she is a pathetic piece of shit and if they don't change they'll end up alone, and I am way better without him/her, and they can throw themselves off a bridge, cause, really, as alone as they'll end up noone will care.
But you were in love before though.
So all this bantering is simply a defense mechanism.
To make yourself believe you're stronger, and that you can get by. And it usually works.
Been there, done that, gone through that...only never from the other side.
I've never been the heartbreaker, always the heartbroken...
So now....I'm stepping into a new side of the stage. Pulling my hat off my head...stepping forward...and saying...

I wish someday you'll understand...this was never about you.

Shut up

There is a reason why silence was invented.
I think maybe it's because sometimes we are just better off not saying anything.
Say, if I want to order food for lunch, I better talk, but if I'm at a meeting thinking one of the clients' toupée is crooked...I'd better keep my mouth shut.

Truth be told, I always talk too much when I'm not supposed to.

Call it nerves...call it senseless word vomit.

Call it whatever you like, but there's nothing less productive than telling me "I don't wanna talk", or, "listen, then speak", or even better "I need silence".

That's nothing but an automatic road to my, "hey, but what's up?" "r u ok?" "is it sth I did?" "anything I can do to help?"

And then....a huge space rock (yeah, space rock) collides against the earth and breaks everything into a million tiny pieces that mix and match in all the incorrect ways, like a forced-to-fit puzzle that doesn't make sense and suddenly life is an upturned omelette.

Everything I thought I had figured out I haven't. Everything I thought I knew I don't. All the things I guessed, I guessed wrong. And now you think I meant something different when, actually, what you said was exactly what I meant.

I only chose my words wrong. Or my words' timing wrong.

I should carry a "word vomit baggy" around...just in case.

'Cause I'm tired of losing battles by my own mouth.

'Cause I want exactly what I said. And I can't have it now...and it pisses me off.

And I get cranky when I'm pissed off....and off go the words again.

So...maybe I should let you do the talking...whenever you decide you wanna do that.

I'll just listen, and shut the fuck up.

Orange Juice

Crisis.

My decision skills are waaaaaaaaay stressed and I am unable to make any decision...come to resolutions, anything at all...
My usual apparent "balance", pros and cons lists and shit aren't working.
I'm simply failing every subject in the rational department.....fuck.

I can't even write right anymore...(say it loud a couple times....now faster!)

Deadlines, limits, in some way help us choose...

The thing here is, I am not sure what it is I'm choosing cause there are too many options, possible results, possible formulas or ideas and it's driving me completely nuts.-

It's as if the boxing ring were a strange thousand cornered polygon, with one wrestler in each corner, each description taking forever, people start leaving, cause, man, come on...you can't say: "in corner 1 'the douche', feels like getting bags of manure shoved at yor face repeatedly, a wonderful sensation if you compare it to being dismembered"when you can see there are other 50 corners....you should basically go: the douche, the chance, the denial, the solution, the bastard, the game, the idea, the project, and simply list'em all and pick the one that sounds best.

Usually I'm wrong when I pick.
I make terrible assumptions about things, people...

and sometimes, let's say, the douche......is disguised as the idea, building up smoke castles with false "sensitivity crap". ("sensitivity crap" is a copyright product of: Yeah, I'm so gonna fall for that again, jerk! Inc.; donations welcome. email: itotallyam@atwit.com XD....feeling kinda déjavuish now.

Well...anyhow, I've lost the ability to decide...so...I'll just wait for it to come back...the worst thing that can happen is that I pick two different socks to wear...or have some hot chocolate with pizza...or whatever...

bang bang today lovies.

L M