Paranoia

So you're going home, back from a get-together party with some friends, and while riding the almost empty bus, you realize you might just be one of the top 5 oldest people in it.

That sucks.

The bus you took leaves you about 6 blocks away from your place, and you start walking, in a bit of a hurry, and you find yourself looking around like a hamster waiting for a hawk to plummet down and attack.
You can see everything around you, I guess night makes us more....aware, that's probably the right word. Your eyesight is sharper, you hear practically anything and pay attention to everything from what people are wearing, to the way they walk, checking if they are a potential menace to your wellbeing.

You put your cell-phone in a pocket, the smallest, hardest one to find, in case someone is lurking in the dark waiting to grab it from you; you clench your purse/put hand in your pockets to protect your few belongings from the world. You walk fast, looking back and around every few paces, squinting in order to see whether or not the person walking a block away from you is coming towards you or going the other way.

On the other hand, your legs feel like they're made of lead, or some solid matter making it harder, even, to get home. It's like everything is against you, you feel paranoid, insecure, scared, and slightly courageous for having dared going out in such a dark night. You see the moon, and wish you had a telescopic camera with you....although you would most likely be thrusting it into your chest covering as much of the case as possible so as not to be robbed.

Every time I go out and come back alone, I find myself fearing the possibility of being mugged, robbed, raped, beaten, or all of the above. Tonight, as I turned around the corner to my place, I saw two things on the floor...a condom wrapper, and a personal lubricant wrapper, the kind that comes in a condom box....both were open, I could tell from where I was standing, and it made me wonder...Is it simply the remainings of a badly knotted garbage bag? Maybe someone tossed it too hard and sent these two particular wrappers flying to the ground...

...and then comes the spine chilling thought....

What if someone was surprised here, restrained by someone, held against a wall and raped (with condom and lube) right on my street corner?

I know it is extreme, but what isn't nowadays?

I see people go into their buildings trusting that the door will shut behind them, not considering that someone might be rushing towards it the moment they turn their backs, holding it, and getting in fast enough to put a gun to their heads and go into their homes...their safe spots...you never know.

This society, this country, this world, they have made me paranoid, constantly worrying about being attacked by some random stranger in the street when all I wanted was to have a good time, with friends, away from home. I have grown more and more afraid of places I used to strut around mindlessly, holding a reflex camera in my hand in the middle of the night hoping to catch moonlight....

I have been here.

But it was different.

I was different.

I guess the tide has changed.