Tired, not sleepy. Frustrated, not angry. Appaled, not...what can I say?
I'm in the process of pursuing a slippery and quite unwilling happiness...God...that's really pathetic, sometimes I think the reason why I can't be happy, or whole, is because i need it and seek for it so bad.
I believe there's no meaning to wht I'm saying and probably nobody cares. I guess my actual problem is that I need to reach perfection, quite an impossible task given than mankind and men (or women) are hopelessly flawed -that reminds me of Jo March, who claimed she was hopelessly flawed, and ended up becoming a renown writer (actually I don't know if that only happened in the story or if it happened in a real period of time.)-
I need a hobby, somehow piling words up in this useless machine doesn't complete me (my, why might that be?)
I lack sense of humour right this moment, especially grumpy and ironic is my name now. I hate the way things end up, I hate the way things end, I hate endings, happy or sad, I simply hate the process of "finishing something"...why can't thigns just happen?
I'm probably writing nonsense already and I don't care, I'm TIRED and DEVASTATED and I probably won't be fine for a long time for the time being.
fuck...I hate my own guts...the only problem is, I can't fucking get away of my bloody self...I just can't.
I've spent so much time diving in self compassion that I think I have forgotten the whole reason why I'm unhappy. OH, no, I haven't.
I'm gonna repeat a couple of words I used in one of my first blogs: Pierce my eyes pierce my eyes, only this time, pierce my throat so I can't speak, pierce my lungs so I can't breathe, pierce my ears so I can't hear, and pierce my heart so I can't feel.
I'm tired...the pounding in my head is receding, maybe it is short of blood now, maybe I don't care, maybe I just wanna let go.
Deviated Gaia.
2 comments:
Since you felt this in inglish I shall comment it likewise.
I met you last night and honestly you didn´t show such sadness and dispare, maybe thats the real problem, do you conseal your feelings so they do not show to others? doing so might turn a simple sadness into a depresion.
Things do just happen, the problem is that once they happened this accion or proces is ended, and they have to, or else they wouldn´t happen at all, everything that has a beginig has an end and everything that is began being some time, therefore it is condemned to end, for an example we should´t fight not to die, we should fight to die the best way possible and feel we were worhty of ourselves and if possible with our sins and mistakes redeemed, so fight for your happynes, and embrace every little gain through that fight.
Concerning that everlasting desire for happynes it is normal, no one lives without any goal, and once ther fulfill that goal they´ll inevitably require and seek a new one, golas are what drives us, what keeps us going, without them we would fall in letarge. Keep a goal to yourself, but never forget those wich you already achieved, if possible make sure your gola is only fulfilled the moment you die
Thanks for the comment.
The truth is that I can't find my goal...I just begin things the turn out to be a dead end. I get no "emotional promotion" of any kind and I feel stuck in the same place tha same day, year, evth.
I think I'm tired for setting goals that I never reach, Tired of my own self- compassion and the darn fact that unless I call people to talk or to ask for help, they don't even bother to pick up the phone and say: "how are you?"
I guess I'm just tired of being a victim and trying to show the world and myself that I'm strong enough to get up whenever I fall completely on my own.
I'm an asshole...I just can't admit that I need someone to help me up.
And about showing feelings, sometimes I do, but only when I can't get a tight grip of them and pull them back inside...they always linger...
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