I got in the cab…yes I got in it.
I watched you for a while as you crossed the street and then mindlessly gazed out front. I started crying, inevitably, I did. I felt sick and wanted to open the car’s door and jump out in order to run behind you, fuck my rules, my family etc…
I wanted to run after you and be held by you and show you that I wasn’t really mad at you.
I wanted to kiss you and look into your eyes for an eternally long time.
Instead, I sat inside the cab, pressing my hands between my knees, closing my eyes to conceal the glistening tears and wishing that I could sink into the seats and forget about everything.
Wishing that I had never met you…NO…I wouldn’t want that, that’s just a defense system, I would rather know you and lose you than spend my life without you.
It’s just that…there’s no one to blame and that tears me apart. I can’t even blame myself, I can’t shed a tear without wondering why it is that I cry, I have no reason at all.
The truth is…I don’t know what you want. I know you like me, I do, I think I’m a part of your life…at least I hope so…it’s just that, there are so many things you say, do, or show, that make me feel extremely confused that I never know if you feel the way you say you feel, or something different.
I might have tried to cope life without you, with others, on my own, somehow accompanied, but it’s not worth it.
All my efforts are vanquished by the pit of my soul turning into ice cold stone. I can hardly breathe, and then, when I finally admit that I miss you enormously, that is when thunder strikes me and I fall shattered on the floor.
You see…it’s a fact, I can’t live without you, can’t live with you (definitely) and strive for lack of feelings…something impossible…right?
My dream is to get undressed one night, and with my banal clothing take my body and feelings off…like a shell, like spare skin, like nothing. I dream of a fresh start…with or without you….but if it’s without, then I wish not to feel anymore.
I just wish…not to feel anymore.
Gaia (confused, lost, numb, yet never speechless…)
4 comments:
I know a person or two who accually don´t feel anything anymore, I really don´t advice you to do that, because even if you do that, there will be an empty space left in your soul wich you would never be able to fill, and besides, not all the pain in the world is worth not feeling anymore, thats just as good as being dead.
About that person who you wanted to run after, if you feel like this nothing should stop you, just run, I don´t know what the fight is about but unless you`re talking about high betrayal you should do every thing you can to fix it.
Don´t wish to lose your feelings, you are your feelings, without them you`ll be just an empty body moving out of inerce, fresh start in that way is just not possible, our past never leaves us, it becomes a part of us, our scars may stop bleeding but they would always be there to remind us what caused them.
I know these words are not exactly hapy, but it is the truth and I wouldn`t know what else to tell you
You can not run away from your feelings, for they will follow you through heaven and hell. You must conciliate with them.
Now, this is not easy, but it is the only way. Repressed feelings only grow stronger. You must let them flow and come out as they come, Gaia.
What you think, you become, and you think what you feel. Thus, you are what you feel.
Never let anything overcome your feelings! Never feel bad about them, because they are beautiful, and the most valuable thing you have.
More importantly, do never, ever lose the speech!
Once again, my best regards.
Thanks for commenting on quite an absurd outburst. Don't worry Nexus, I also know people who lost they're feelings and would rather have my head embalmed in life before being them.
I just need to shut my mind down.
Siddhartha, you tell me not to repress my feelings and yet always told me to do so...or wanted me to do so.
Thanks for the comment and I must say I didn't expect anyone to find that puny comment in the signature.
It could've only been you, right?
Don´t shut your mind down, this things are better out than in, we comment just because we care, doesn´t mean that you should keep such outbursts to yourself
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