So Fucking Late

Well hallo, my fellow websurfers!

It is my 4th day home in a row, and I am going berserk.

Nobody seems to give a shit about one when one's ill.

I got one phone call, from grandma...and one offer of coming over to cook for me, from one of my boyfriend's friends... completely unnecesary since my lungs are what don't work, therefore I can cook perfectly fine by myself. (Nice of him though).

My boyfriend remembered I exist say...once in these days...and only half-replies messages an hour later.

Was supposed to come today, instead, it is 1:10 in the morning and he's calling from a friend's bar saying "he'll finish his whiskey and come over"....MURDER. Our friend on the other hand is playing "The diplomat", and trying to convince me not to kill him, because he stayed with him as "moral support" and he delivered a mead order at the bar "so don't be angry"...

MURDER

When I tell him he was supposed to come during the day and instead will come now, and my anger is not related to the last hour, he says "those are couple problems, I will not meddle anymore". GOOD

Now, honey, I hope you don't think you can ring the doorbell at this time of night, even if your cell is not working, I would assume you had a plan BEFORE being SO FUCKING LATE.

Love LMH

26 CANDLE LIFE MANUAL....or something

Well, so...I always start writing with the "it's been quite a long time since I last posted" and stuff like that, but this time I'm gonna get over that cliche and just get over with it.

I haven't written in a while because I had nothing to share. Or maybe to say. Perhaps it is even that Facebook has taken over my life in various aspects, and I can't seem to make myself write something longer than a status update or creepy quote.
I am not sure how I got off the route labeled "quest to happiness", but for some reason, I have found that I don't need to search for happiness at all. I am content. I have found a way of coping with everyday bullshit (other people's and my own) that works pretty well, I guess.

I used to spend an enormous amount of time trying to figure out why people were the way they were, why someone would act a certain way, why things were said, alltogether, a fucked up and unnecessary analysis of "insert everything here" around. I spent countless hours, days, months, analyzing behaviors, behavioral patterns, responses, reactions, EVERYTHING. It was exhausting.

I figured that as long as my plan of finding happiness was on trial mode, I could attempt to analyze and deconstruct every single aspect of humanity that was possible, pretending, with this, to achieve this so called "happiness", by avoiding anything (of the previously analyzed shit) that would get me out of my schemes.

So here's what I've come up with, now that I can say I am content, and that's a lot, trust me:

THE 26 RULES FOR THIS PARTICULAR INDIVIDUAL'S LIFE - ONE FOR EACH LIVED YEAR: 

1. Write a lot, even in your head, it's not creepy as long as you don't show it. (to people, blogs don't count)

2. I got this from Burton's Alice in Wonderland (and I loved it) "Think of at least 3 impossible things before breakfast".

3. Embrace every idea you have, no matter how far-fetched or wrong it may seem, embracing ideas is a way of embracing yourself, YOU are the one having them, aren't you?

4. Avoid putting too much energy in meaningless conversations, discussions, arguments, etc. it's draining. Unless you enjoy word battles, in which case, yippie, have a blast!

5. Make sure to get a new goal EVERY DAY, it can be as simple as doing your nails, or as complex as building your own Inn in the next 10 to 15 years.

6. Eat healthy, eat delicious. There is nothing wrong with indulging one's palate in gourmet cuisine, as long as it's not endangering your well-being.

7. Be pro-active. In work, in your relationships and in life in general. Being pro-active, gets your mind an energy boost you will not experience in any other way.

8. Say no, get pissed off, tell people to fuck off, it's OK. You can live your life either by letting everything "happen", and letting people do as they please regardless of how that makes you feel, or you can be honest. Trust me, HONESTY is very much appreciated by the right kind of people.

9. Don't try and remember dates or "social bullshit". You have nothing to prove (and your real friends know you wouldn't forget their birthdays on purpose). "So I checked the internet today, and it said it was your birthday last month, so...I hope you had an awesome time, sorry for the lag, love, me."

10. Meet new people. The further away they live, the better, it will make you make an effort to see them, that is, if you really like them. If you don't, you can always say you live too far away and that's that. No, just kidding, just meet people, and keep the ones you like. You have no obligation whatsoever to keep them all. You're not hoarding people like pokemons, are you?

11. Don't disguise your mood. If you are pissed, fucked up, tired, or whatever, enjoy it!! It's one of the things that makes you different from a pineapple or a piece of bark.

12. Losing people is not all that bad. How is this? The right people you've met throughout your (probably short) life, will not go away just because you disagreed, or they got angry, or you forgot to call. In fact, those who do - and I know a couple - were never worth your thoughts in the first place.

13. What comes around, goes around. Karma is a bitch, and so are you if you don't stop bitching about karma being such a skank. Things happen for a reason. It could be that you fucked up bigtime and deserve it, but it is most likely either a combination of causes leading to a string of consequences or a mere fluke.

14. Dreams are forever. You may not always dream the same thing, but every dream you have is usually linked to the others, or an evolution of an original dream.

15. Don't judge, don't trust - too fast. Things like judgement and trust, should be built in time. There is no such thing as "fast friends" or "lightning relationships", you have to work for it, earn respect, trust, love, and give it back if willing. If not, use rule 8 and be honest about the way you feel. Which takes me to rule 16.

16. DON'T BE AN ASSHOLE. No matter how hard life has smacked you in the face with a fire extinguisher, there is NO REASON, whatsoever, to take it out on other people. Your day sucked? suck it up, MAKE it better. It is actually up to you to make your days better or worse. Stop blaming others.

17. Make your fate. Decide each minute, hour or day, how you want to feel that day. From what you wear, to how you approach people, and how you work. If you're sad, or blue, take a mellow day, that doesn't mean taking a day off work, it simply means taking it down a notch.

18. Fight your own battles (let others fight theirs). Always being there for other people, not only makes you an annoying busybody, but also it turns them into banal bastards. I wouldn't wish that even to the worse I've met.

19. There are no excuses for acting like a fucktard, and you must show people there are consequences to their actions. If someone wrongs you, shove it in their faces, they DESERVE it. Otherwise they will think they can go around screwing everyone up and not get a high five with a chair on the face. (thank you 9gag)

20. Enthrall in meaningful conversations and enjoy healthy situations. Friends always have something interesting to talk to you about, I am sure you have a lot of them who you haven't seen in a while, and are probably full of cool info and updates! Plus, once the new data is gone, you can always go over well brewed subjects, such as religion, politics, law, and what-nots. (not recommended for new friends)

21. Add color to your life. Spice it up a little!! Throw dinner parties mid-week, treat a friend to sushi, take dance lessons (your legs won't be good forever), go swimming, enjoy a weekend in the country, moonbathe in your terrace or watch independent films every now and then. Buy a record, window shop at bookstores. Your choice!!

22. Admit to yourself that you're getting older, and embrace the fact that sooner or later you will die, and you've known it from the moment someone yelled "kid!! get down from there or you'll crack your neck and die!". Dying is not cool, it just happens to happen. Deal with it.

23. The phrase "all of my friends are having kids, and buying cars and shit like that" SUCKS. Use the same philosophy your mom used to give you when "everyone was doing it": "IF EVERYONE JUMPS OFF A BRIDGE, WOULD YOU DO TOO?" (depends on how much fun it is, mom!) Nobody can tell you when it is YOUR time to grow up, become socially acceptable - if ever- or bring a child to this world. Your time will come, or it won't. Relax, noone I know is entirely happy with having or not having those things.

24. Indulge yourself with "YOU" time. You need this time. Not necessarily to DO anything in particular, simply to shut down from the ever-so-invasive world, and enjoy the fact that you can breathe.

25. Take trips. If you can't afford the real deal, take them in your head, they're not as cool, but definitely better since they are free!! Pretend you are from somewhere else, walk down the streets in your neighborhood in child-like amusement. Get some ice-cream. Laugh.

26. Remember life is not a road, it doesn't take you anywhere, this is what there is, and you don't have to get "through" it, yo have to live it, love it, and enjoy it! Live each day as if there were no tomorrow, or cliches for every day of the year. :D
Which there are.

So here I leave you, with a belated summary of my "26 candle embracing life manual" which I hope you enjoy, if you do, please comment, there's nothing worse than not sharing your thoughts or giving someone a boost if you liked it.

Criticism not welcome, unless it is thoughtful and constructive, keep it to yourself, there's too much shit in the world for me to find it on my blog.

Love

LM

Paranoia

So you're going home, back from a get-together party with some friends, and while riding the almost empty bus, you realize you might just be one of the top 5 oldest people in it.

That sucks.

The bus you took leaves you about 6 blocks away from your place, and you start walking, in a bit of a hurry, and you find yourself looking around like a hamster waiting for a hawk to plummet down and attack.
You can see everything around you, I guess night makes us more....aware, that's probably the right word. Your eyesight is sharper, you hear practically anything and pay attention to everything from what people are wearing, to the way they walk, checking if they are a potential menace to your wellbeing.

You put your cell-phone in a pocket, the smallest, hardest one to find, in case someone is lurking in the dark waiting to grab it from you; you clench your purse/put hand in your pockets to protect your few belongings from the world. You walk fast, looking back and around every few paces, squinting in order to see whether or not the person walking a block away from you is coming towards you or going the other way.

On the other hand, your legs feel like they're made of lead, or some solid matter making it harder, even, to get home. It's like everything is against you, you feel paranoid, insecure, scared, and slightly courageous for having dared going out in such a dark night. You see the moon, and wish you had a telescopic camera with you....although you would most likely be thrusting it into your chest covering as much of the case as possible so as not to be robbed.

Every time I go out and come back alone, I find myself fearing the possibility of being mugged, robbed, raped, beaten, or all of the above. Tonight, as I turned around the corner to my place, I saw two things on the floor...a condom wrapper, and a personal lubricant wrapper, the kind that comes in a condom box....both were open, I could tell from where I was standing, and it made me wonder...Is it simply the remainings of a badly knotted garbage bag? Maybe someone tossed it too hard and sent these two particular wrappers flying to the ground...

...and then comes the spine chilling thought....

What if someone was surprised here, restrained by someone, held against a wall and raped (with condom and lube) right on my street corner?

I know it is extreme, but what isn't nowadays?

I see people go into their buildings trusting that the door will shut behind them, not considering that someone might be rushing towards it the moment they turn their backs, holding it, and getting in fast enough to put a gun to their heads and go into their homes...their safe spots...you never know.

This society, this country, this world, they have made me paranoid, constantly worrying about being attacked by some random stranger in the street when all I wanted was to have a good time, with friends, away from home. I have grown more and more afraid of places I used to strut around mindlessly, holding a reflex camera in my hand in the middle of the night hoping to catch moonlight....

I have been here.

But it was different.

I was different.

I guess the tide has changed.

Fine

So I guess I haven't had a lot to say in the past couple of weeks, or maybe I have, but haven't had the time...the will...the whatnots. I don't know, and to be true, I don't really have anything to say right now, well I do, I just don't feel like publishing any of it on the web.

Am I happy?

No, not just yet.

That's a question I must ask everytime things seem to be nice and cozy, and better, and good. I am happy with some things, with my projects, for example, my job? well....sometimes I am, somewhere around paycheck time y'know... anyway...

I'm fine :)

F.I.N.E Fucked up, Insecure, Neurotic, and Emotional

LOL not really....just had to.

Cya Loveys

Visual Love

So, it's a new year, a whole new year to make a whole new bunch of mistakes. To meet a whole new bunch of people, and decide what we need to stop doing to prevent our premature, yet imminent death.

You know, most people categorize people who think of death as something imminent as depressive, lacking purpose and such; hovewer, I couldn't disagree more.

I mean, it's not as simple as it seems, to embrace the fact that in a not so far away future, we will be dead, and we will be forgotten, and everything we lived for will just be a page in whatever type of life we led. If, in fact, there are pages in our lives, or records, for that matter.

I take pictures...I take a lot of pictures, though lately I find it harder and harder to publish them online. Why? Because I'm selfish.

And I like looking at the pictures I take, and not sharing them.

There goes my career as a photographer look!!!! (flushing sound) heck no! There are some that I show.

Truth is, photographs are not only a record of what happened, of the people you know, of what you've done; they are also a part of whoever took them.

To explain this better, cause I tend to go offtopic in a second, whoever takes the picture leaves his own, personal, special view of whatever he/she is capturing.

You see, there are a thousand angles to an image, even more, in fact, and there is no way of being objective when taking a picture.

It is YOUR way of seeing, your way of looking at the world, and it is in fact painful sometimes to share.

Of course, it is different when you take photos of people you don't know, or random events or parties, but say, you take a picture of someone you love, a friend, relative, partner, or whatever, it is different....why? Because noone sees the person you're taking pictures of with your eyes. Because MAYBE in your eyes, a picture, or a person is beautiful because of how much LOVE you put into it, or them.

So I guess I'm going offtopic again, but man, love is, definitely, the most beautiful, amazing, heart-filling, mindfucking feeling in the whole world.

And in this world, the one I live in, as I see it, everyone deserves to be loved...

So, love.

Love Love Love Love, and don't give a fuck about getting anything back, because nothing should make you feel fuller than having the ability to love, unconditionally, forever, and in such a great scale that it's unmeasurable.

Happy New Year!

Of life, books, and other stories...

Good morning, though I should probably say good night, given that I, once again, have not yet gone to sleep.

Insomnia has turned out to be a daily aspect of my life, this time I did go out, so it could simply be the rush of seeing friends and having drinks that just needs to wear off and let me slowly drain my brain of ideas and let it doze off to its rest.

We all know that is not going to happen.

It probably happens with everyone though, I think, in general, we all spend most of our "awake time" thinking about something. The question is: is there a limit? is there a point in thinking where we should draw the line? cut back? give ourselves a break? When do we stop thinking and start overthinking? can all this questioning be considered overthinking or is it just an annoying form of curiosity?

It's easy to write "the question is" and then turn it into a "the questions are", simply because life, human nature, and reaction can't all be put together into one question. There is no Question that sums life up, or thought, or personalities, or anything, for that matter.

There is no snooze button or "sleep" option in our minds, we simply function at different speeds and intensities according to the different circumstances, days, situations and relationships we go through.

There is no "definition of life" in the same way that there is no upbringing that determines behaviour, personality pattern that defines every person in depth, social influence that makes us act in this or that way, chromosome that determines our sexual preferences, or healthcare that keeps us healthy.

Everything is so complex and mazey (new word) that we simply can't put things into labeled boxes according to things in common.

This is not a "shape, size and colour" classification, this is people, this is life, this is circumstance, this is influence, it is everything that does not fall into a group or status, it is personal, rich, complicated and beautiful.

Beautiful.

Difference is beautiful.

The mind is beautiful.

The mind is different in everyone.

Everyone makes a difference, just because they are, in fact, different.

And their mere existence makes a new mark on the pages of the book of life.

Which cannot be arranged by time, age, numbers, alphabetically, or categorized in any way.

I'm sorry if I blow some bubbles, but noone gets and index or a manual when they're pulled out of the womb crying for hell's air, and anyone who says they've got the key to a full life is full of shit. (which at least proves they're life is full of something).

So get over yourselves, and just scream to get the air in your lungs, like you did that first time when all that life was, was an extended period of possibilities, and a whole lot to discover.

Love.

LMH

Fuzzy

Dwelling in a balloon-air filled-fuzzy filling, I mean feeling...or do I?

Random thinking, random laughing, random cheering for noone. I am filled with hot air, condensing and repeatedly biting misery to the bone, choking on chewtoys and mindfucks, breaking melting, supersensing, hyperfeeling, expanding contractions.

Today's feeling is - - - floaty - - - I'm not even sure if it is a word, and no, I will not search for it on Google because I just don't think my writing over, so if floaty is not a word, at least get the picture...

I am wondering what all of this means...am I...over it? under it? avoiding it? distorting it?

I turn purple as I keep the air in, same as when I choke the tears back, but there are no tears...there is no pain...I just feel...stable.

Or maybe it is the plummeting sensation towards inminent mental destruction and half my brain really isn't functioning anymore.

I can't control the muscles on my face...I'm just blank.

Weird enough...I feel better when I'm blank...there is something about emptiness that makes me feel extremely light and pure, and filled with joy.

Perhaps I'm overcrowded, and my cells are just pouring out of my eyes, indulging my very desperation to flee, fly, flow, flum.... (??)

Perhaps I've had enough of what I say I want and now want what I never say.

Or maybe I'm just fucked up like I've been for the past year because of the same darn thing.

Loveys...today I'm feeling funny, and I don't know how to handle it.

Locate Me

Let's see now.

I wonder why it is that I always end up as an "upon request" commodity.

I don't call anyone

I rarely ask for advice

I don't bug (a lot)

I don't ask anyone to do anything for me at all

I am available

I care about other people's feelings in general.

What I wanna know is why

why I practically never call

why noone ever answers when I do.

I guess the answer to the first is hidden in the second.

I will never call, trust or depend on anyone because: noone is available.-

Sorry.

I tried.

I'm back to being me, so use me when u like people, I'll be here, and then I'll be gone.

Cause I've come to notice that everytime I need something, the only person who really gives it to me...is myself.

Cause that's the way things work out for the best for everyone.

Bang Bang.

Sorry kittehs, there's no love from me tonite.

LMH

I am entitled to an attorney.

Lady Mynna Lotte Belle
Lotte Lady Mynna Belle
Belle Lady Mynna Lotte
Belle Lotte Lady Mynna
Lotte Belle Lady Mynna

There are so many aspects to a person that I cannot fully comprehend their functioning. Not even mine, for that matter.

These "Alter Egos" we create are actually not a simple figment of our imaginations, but a precise dissociation of who we are in whole. Every name you've seen me call myself so far, is merely a reflection of my mood, state of mind, emotional situation, or general existence.

Lady Mynna is the strongest, the hardcore, or hard core of my soul. The rational de-constructive, instructional, Lady Mynna, originally known as Lady Mynna Hawk, for the acuteness of her eye and perception. She hangs out in my creative writing blogs mostly to provide an analytical perception of my emotionally bridged reality. I like her, she's sort of a filter.

Lotte is a melancholic, slightly romantic and childlike feature, first taken from the name of a girl that happened to die on the day that I was born, found in one of those weird websites one of my weird friends posted on facebook that lets you look up graves all over the world by date, name, location, etc. I liked her description, she died when I bloomed into life...what other explanation can I give? I'm a helpless romantic...

Belle... is me
I am Belle

It is one of the possible nicknames you can bring out of my name. It is the preference for most of the people who know me, though some are either more creative, or more generic. In the basics, Belle is who I am...which would actually mean..


BELLE

includes

Lady Mynna Hawk

and

Lotte

Which seems to me to be the right decision to make when attempting to define my functioning.

YES

I am a fully functional person.

In conclusion, I assume I am the Belle that everybody sees, with creative and emotional outbursts and meltdowns, writer's and artist's blocks, inability to sleep, to put words into speech, attempting to break the next personal limit or barrier as soon as the previous one has been broken. Impatient, with a slightly distorted image of what life should and shouldn't consist in. And a need...no, hunger for change and improvisation. I am the Lady Mynna Hawk who positively gathers all of my jumbled thoughts and feelings and makes them into an apple pie. Or a text, or mere words, but simply deconstructs, remakes, and puts the puzzle pieces together (making my life definitely easier, though clashing with the improvisation field above)Tends to speak sarcastically, sometimes treating everyone, even the rest of myself as if she knew better, has a tendency to be cold, though perceived as cool and makes acute observations of general human behaviour...And I'm also Lotte, the inner child, the blossoming human being (being human I'm still not sure blossoming into one can be truly called blossoming), the one that feels, craves, loves, amazes and dances to a different beat than the one that's playing.


So, now that I've spilled my own analytical version of me.

I shall go splashing thought and concepts around, twirling on the sidewalk like a child, and concentrating on the positioning of tiles in order not to fall.


G'Day and see you soon.

Sunshine*

...

Nah, just kidding

Kiss kiss bang bang (I think I'd rather leave with a kiss than with a bang)...right?

Belle-Lady Mynna Hawk-Lotte

Basically

Pounding headache

Blood pumping through the veins in my head

Heart pumping blood through the veins in my head

Heart that feels slightly compressed, slightly distorted and heavy tonight.

Memories affect

Memories affect feelings

Having memories affects feelings

Not having memories...

Is not even a sane possibility.

Perhaps forgetting is the clue.

Perhaps letting bygones be bygones is the only way of making the headache-heartache go away.

But bygones have made me who I am.

Because of my past, I am my present, and imagine my future.

Because of bygones I'm stronger, more experienced, and attempt to be better.

Because of bygones I still cry in memories, wake up screaming, and stop breathing.

But they're a part of me.

Every smile, every tear, every wound, every kiss.


And I like the person I've become.

New, but kinda used

So, I guess it's about time we change the look.

And this is what changing it did to your screen:

Ba - Ba - Ba - Boom!

Some sort of vintage 50's or so porn!!!! woo-hoo

Well, lately, so as not to change so much all of a sudden, I've found myself not understanding anything or anyone at all.

Not understanding anyone at all makes me wonder if maybe I am wrong about everyone...

I've got this crazy ass idea about having an ability to see through people, not as if they were see-through or plastic, but simply to see beyond what they show, closer to what they are.

And sometimes I prove myself to be right, and see through people, and predict reactions, circumstancial or not, according to what I refer to as: pattern behaviour.

Say, if you've got commitment issues, and are confronted in relation to those issues, you will act truly offended, knowing that he who has confronted you is totally right, but not wanting to admit to that particular personality flaw.

If you decline every single outing, party, coffee gettogether, or other things, but are prone to ask people to go with, see, help, or be their company at some other kind of scenario, unrelated to what you were offered, say: nah, I don't really wanna go out for coffee, but I have to go buy clothes, care to join me? - Nah, I don't really like that bar, maybe we could go to another? (when other 30 people are coming to the one u don't wanna go to)---sounds to me like you're in it for the benefits but won't give in or put any chips in.

anywho, those are standards, maybe I'll keep on on my next blog, maybe not.


I guess I write about people because I'm tired of people in general and would rather analyze them than relate to them.

Though I do miss phone calls, and other non tech shit.


Bang Bang yet again kitties.

Public Privacy

It seems hard to believe that I still write anything at all in my blogs.

Everything seems to be posted, notified, commented on, edited and shared with everyone.

I am really glad texts and general creative writing are not within the interests of the common folk.

I settle for a couple annonymous comments, and I prefer none, unless you have something to say.

Everything private has become public.

Thoughts

Hate messages

Anger

Opinions

Hurtful comments

Things that should be private, and personal.

Things that you shouldn't share.

But let's leave the should and shouldn't out of the question, because I don't think I'm the right person to say something like that.

Just...

Have some respect for others...and some self respect.

Because putting your life out in the open, even if you do it to get back at someone.
Someone else, somewhere, might judge you.

And you won't like it.

Because it doesn't make you special, open minded, or direct.

It just makes you plain mean.

And this is just a thought.

Even though I don't always follow my own advice.

One

I remember.
I remember you.
I remember me.

It was just me, you, and nothingness.
It was simpler than it seemed.
It was appealing.

It was mine.
It was yours.
It belonged to everyone.

It was meant to be given.
It was meant to be taken.

It wasn’t given.
It wasn’t taken.

Cause it was not mine in the end.
Cause it was not yours either.
Cause it did not belong to everyone.

Cause it never really existed.

You got caught up in a mental drama.
I got caught up in a mental drama.

It should’ve been easier...

You saw more to it.
I did not want to see.

I saw more to it.
You didn’t see anymore.

You know they say things happen for a reason…

I know this happened for no reason at all.

It was just…what it was…and what it wasn’t.

It was just me.

It was just you.

And now it hit me…

I was only caring for myself.
And you were only caring for yourself.

Individuality is something you can never share. And I’m sorry I misjudged. Both of us.

I'll just let the music play...and see where it takes me this time.

Love, always

Toxicity Detecting Device

I need to find a new toxicity detecting device.
People are nowadays sneakier in hiding their toxicity.
They play a role in which they appear to be pure, centered, whole, and then...gradually throw toxic thoughts into others, problems, baggage, bullshit.
There's something I've got that many people have, but most people don't see it, ignore what it is, or don't use it.

Today I had a bad feeling about someone...and I was effin right.......shit...

So I don't know.

I knew toxic when I saw it...now I ignore toxic until I'm suffocating.
I need a new detector...
I need a breath of fresh air.

And I need to stop fixing things.
Let them fix themselves.
Be a bit more selfish.
Ignore people's feelings a little more.
Stop helping, or trying to help.

That'll save me a couple slaps in the face.

I guess it's getting colder and more cynical here at the core...I don't mind...

bang bang.
L.M.

Pain

I've got a migraine...I shouldn't be staring at the screen, let alone writing, but for some reason I feel like if I don't my head will burst.
What the hell am I doing?
Who am I turning into?
I look at myself and I don't see me anymore, I see a distorted, disturbed, ruined version of myself, even though I do know I am doing things the way I am supposed to.
My days are totally blank and meaningless.
So are my thoughts.
Everything is related to working, money, what I want to do, plans, ideas...
My ability to randomly catch drifts is absolutely messed up.
It's messing me up.
I need to stop drifting.

Maybe levitate for a change...

Love, forever,

Lady Mynna, Gaia, me myself, and everybody else in my head...

Static

I am standing on one foot, on the last chair, which is balancing on a circus ball.
The last chair, is made of cotton candy and dissolves as an elephant blows moist air on it, taking its fluffiness, it's fullness away...
It will be dissolved.
I will fall from the cotton candy chair onto the circus ball and bounce...

Where? I don't know.

Just bounce.

The Radio Analogy

Why does it always happen the wrong way?
What is it with life that makes me start by the ending, the destruction, apocalypse or whatever knowing....yeah cause I know that one way or another I'll come to see you again, and things will be talked about, a level of understanding will be reached, and things will be less crappy, and happier for a little while, until I realise that everything that apocalypsed everything in the beginning was the ony reason why I was actually interested...
It's weird, cause, truth be told, what do I have in common with you? besides appeal, I don't think there's a lot...musical taste maybe, you dig a lot more indie, but who knows...maybe I dig indie and IDK. But what the hell am I thinking if you're an absolute asshole who only cares about his own face and doesn't even care about anyone else's.
Maybe staring at yourself in the mirror for long enough will make u see in how many levels you were wrong. With yourself, cause seriously, I don't give a shit anymore...I just want you to talk to me because I enjoy it, I don't care if you're not interested in me, I just want to listen to you...is it really that complicated?
You're like a radio I like. I mean, I don't want you around 24/7, I don't wanna share you with all of my friends, but I'd like to have you at hand when I want you.
Well that's totally selfish....true...but that's why I chose the "radio analogy option" cause in essence, listening to someone is, in core, helping them, and why not, keep them company?

I feel like a total ass sharing the basic communication abilities with you lot, the BASIC social health M.O....it's like everybody knows there are such things as social understanding rules and shit, but don't give a fuck about them at all...

I care...so while you go through the step 1 step 2 step 3 Discard all over again, I'll just be waiting for the top to stop spinning and get you back to where we started, or hopefully, where we left off....cause it's getting kinda boring, and I like u to bits XD lol that came out funny.

Stage 1 - Stage 2 - Stage 3 Discard

I've come to realise people are surprisingly methodic.

I used to think every single person was filled with surprises, new things, unexpected reactions, and such. I'm not so sure about that anymore.

Say the three stages of grieving or break up: stage 1 - need, nostalgia, heartbreak, begging for reconsideration, need for comfort, any chance to see, touch, feel the person you broke up with. stage 2 - the ice stage, the blame stage, thinking the other one's an ass, broke your heart, and with what right? evth he/she said was wrong, and he/she is a prick who is only thinking about him/herself. Hurtful words, angry calls, no filtering of insults, expression of hatred. stage 3 - Enlightment, resolution, understanding, consideration, sudden realisation that evth you conceived as real, was actually a misunderstanding, self esteem, appreciation of life, discarding.

Say the stages of relationships: stage 1 - sensitivity, demonstration of interest, appeal, attraction; dialogue, again, interest, in a different level, proposals, flirting, connection, finding similarities (a join the dots puzzle at this point, piece of cake), a little indifference; stage 2 - under-the-table suggestion, more sexual attraction, magnetism, interest, deeper talk, less chit chat, background checks, intercourse, more attraction, instinct taking over, more magnetism, chemistry, appeal, apparent bonding, chivalry, finding differences (a sudden brick to the face); stage 3 - balance, pros and cons, more indifference, appeal, attraction, only less animal, more thoughts, misinterpretations, vague, ambiguous suggestions, ideas, plans. Less demonstration of interest, routines breaking in, disappointment, appreciation of oneself, discarding.

Say the stages at a job: stage 1 - new job, appeal, happiness, nerves, curiosity, interest, eagerness to learn, sense of importance, uniqueness, unquestioned capabilities, abilities. stage 2 - finding stability, new value of one's work, one's insistence, fruitful results, happiness, eagerness to improve, confidence that one is indispensable, important, proactive, hard working. Stage 3 - finding errors, indifference, proactiveness discarded, feeling lack of importance, dullness, boredom, routine, more health issues, or apparent issues, psychological status modification, less interest, less spark, simple routine and comfort, less value of oneself, discarding.

So basically what I mean is....what is really the point? IF it all leads to the same, and please, please take into account the -allcaps- IF, what is really the point? We are no longer individuals, no longer interested in anything and the only thing we manage to do, repeatedly, is go through extremely similar stages, in different aspects of life...

To get by: discarding.

(nasty little word, so perfect for this)

White mornings, Black nights

The only thing I want...is peace of mind...

But my need for control and mindwrecking neurosis does not allow it to come in.

Shit.

I'll go back to my usual bitterness....

Or not.

But at least I know what I want.

Help getting it?

Would def come in handy.

Hmm...

Defense Mechanism

We are gathered here today cause we really have nothing better to do...I mean me, and my multiple personalities.
I'm not the best at feeling the worst. I usually just restrain every little feeling of despair and try to use my time for something better. Say...ride a bike, read a book, write a blog...
Now I only seem to be going in a straight line towards feeling crappy.
As if the ring leader in the circus in my head had decided to lead everyone through a dramatic, melancholy filled, tear shedding heartbreaking show.
I'm not sad about my current...say emotional situation. I'm sad about having been the one who brought me into the emotional situation.
I'd rather be damaged than damaging.
It is definitely annoying, knowing that I would feel a lot better if only my heart had been trampled on instead. Which is kinda ridiculous.
But what can I do?
Continue with a life of lies and deception only to feel like I'm doing good to someone? Only to keep myself form hurting someone?
No...I can't do that.
A broken heart heals...trust me, I've been there. And usually after two days or so instead of trying to get the person back you start throwing shit against them, burning pictures, telling them they were wrong, and what they're gonna miss, and how you do not agree with anything and how he/she is a pathetic piece of shit and if they don't change they'll end up alone, and I am way better without him/her, and they can throw themselves off a bridge, cause, really, as alone as they'll end up noone will care.
But you were in love before though.
So all this bantering is simply a defense mechanism.
To make yourself believe you're stronger, and that you can get by. And it usually works.
Been there, done that, gone through that...only never from the other side.
I've never been the heartbreaker, always the heartbroken...
So now....I'm stepping into a new side of the stage. Pulling my hat off my head...stepping forward...and saying...

I wish someday you'll understand...this was never about you.