Stage 1 - Stage 2 - Stage 3 Discard

I've come to realise people are surprisingly methodic.

I used to think every single person was filled with surprises, new things, unexpected reactions, and such. I'm not so sure about that anymore.

Say the three stages of grieving or break up: stage 1 - need, nostalgia, heartbreak, begging for reconsideration, need for comfort, any chance to see, touch, feel the person you broke up with. stage 2 - the ice stage, the blame stage, thinking the other one's an ass, broke your heart, and with what right? evth he/she said was wrong, and he/she is a prick who is only thinking about him/herself. Hurtful words, angry calls, no filtering of insults, expression of hatred. stage 3 - Enlightment, resolution, understanding, consideration, sudden realisation that evth you conceived as real, was actually a misunderstanding, self esteem, appreciation of life, discarding.

Say the stages of relationships: stage 1 - sensitivity, demonstration of interest, appeal, attraction; dialogue, again, interest, in a different level, proposals, flirting, connection, finding similarities (a join the dots puzzle at this point, piece of cake), a little indifference; stage 2 - under-the-table suggestion, more sexual attraction, magnetism, interest, deeper talk, less chit chat, background checks, intercourse, more attraction, instinct taking over, more magnetism, chemistry, appeal, apparent bonding, chivalry, finding differences (a sudden brick to the face); stage 3 - balance, pros and cons, more indifference, appeal, attraction, only less animal, more thoughts, misinterpretations, vague, ambiguous suggestions, ideas, plans. Less demonstration of interest, routines breaking in, disappointment, appreciation of oneself, discarding.

Say the stages at a job: stage 1 - new job, appeal, happiness, nerves, curiosity, interest, eagerness to learn, sense of importance, uniqueness, unquestioned capabilities, abilities. stage 2 - finding stability, new value of one's work, one's insistence, fruitful results, happiness, eagerness to improve, confidence that one is indispensable, important, proactive, hard working. Stage 3 - finding errors, indifference, proactiveness discarded, feeling lack of importance, dullness, boredom, routine, more health issues, or apparent issues, psychological status modification, less interest, less spark, simple routine and comfort, less value of oneself, discarding.

So basically what I mean is....what is really the point? IF it all leads to the same, and please, please take into account the -allcaps- IF, what is really the point? We are no longer individuals, no longer interested in anything and the only thing we manage to do, repeatedly, is go through extremely similar stages, in different aspects of life...

To get by: discarding.

(nasty little word, so perfect for this)

White mornings, Black nights

The only thing I want...is peace of mind...

But my need for control and mindwrecking neurosis does not allow it to come in.

Shit.

I'll go back to my usual bitterness....

Or not.

But at least I know what I want.

Help getting it?

Would def come in handy.

Hmm...

Defense Mechanism

We are gathered here today cause we really have nothing better to do...I mean me, and my multiple personalities.
I'm not the best at feeling the worst. I usually just restrain every little feeling of despair and try to use my time for something better. Say...ride a bike, read a book, write a blog...
Now I only seem to be going in a straight line towards feeling crappy.
As if the ring leader in the circus in my head had decided to lead everyone through a dramatic, melancholy filled, tear shedding heartbreaking show.
I'm not sad about my current...say emotional situation. I'm sad about having been the one who brought me into the emotional situation.
I'd rather be damaged than damaging.
It is definitely annoying, knowing that I would feel a lot better if only my heart had been trampled on instead. Which is kinda ridiculous.
But what can I do?
Continue with a life of lies and deception only to feel like I'm doing good to someone? Only to keep myself form hurting someone?
No...I can't do that.
A broken heart heals...trust me, I've been there. And usually after two days or so instead of trying to get the person back you start throwing shit against them, burning pictures, telling them they were wrong, and what they're gonna miss, and how you do not agree with anything and how he/she is a pathetic piece of shit and if they don't change they'll end up alone, and I am way better without him/her, and they can throw themselves off a bridge, cause, really, as alone as they'll end up noone will care.
But you were in love before though.
So all this bantering is simply a defense mechanism.
To make yourself believe you're stronger, and that you can get by. And it usually works.
Been there, done that, gone through that...only never from the other side.
I've never been the heartbreaker, always the heartbroken...
So now....I'm stepping into a new side of the stage. Pulling my hat off my head...stepping forward...and saying...

I wish someday you'll understand...this was never about you.

Shut up

There is a reason why silence was invented.
I think maybe it's because sometimes we are just better off not saying anything.
Say, if I want to order food for lunch, I better talk, but if I'm at a meeting thinking one of the clients' toupée is crooked...I'd better keep my mouth shut.

Truth be told, I always talk too much when I'm not supposed to.

Call it nerves...call it senseless word vomit.

Call it whatever you like, but there's nothing less productive than telling me "I don't wanna talk", or, "listen, then speak", or even better "I need silence".

That's nothing but an automatic road to my, "hey, but what's up?" "r u ok?" "is it sth I did?" "anything I can do to help?"

And then....a huge space rock (yeah, space rock) collides against the earth and breaks everything into a million tiny pieces that mix and match in all the incorrect ways, like a forced-to-fit puzzle that doesn't make sense and suddenly life is an upturned omelette.

Everything I thought I had figured out I haven't. Everything I thought I knew I don't. All the things I guessed, I guessed wrong. And now you think I meant something different when, actually, what you said was exactly what I meant.

I only chose my words wrong. Or my words' timing wrong.

I should carry a "word vomit baggy" around...just in case.

'Cause I'm tired of losing battles by my own mouth.

'Cause I want exactly what I said. And I can't have it now...and it pisses me off.

And I get cranky when I'm pissed off....and off go the words again.

So...maybe I should let you do the talking...whenever you decide you wanna do that.

I'll just listen, and shut the fuck up.

Orange Juice

Crisis.

My decision skills are waaaaaaaaay stressed and I am unable to make any decision...come to resolutions, anything at all...
My usual apparent "balance", pros and cons lists and shit aren't working.
I'm simply failing every subject in the rational department.....fuck.

I can't even write right anymore...(say it loud a couple times....now faster!)

Deadlines, limits, in some way help us choose...

The thing here is, I am not sure what it is I'm choosing cause there are too many options, possible results, possible formulas or ideas and it's driving me completely nuts.-

It's as if the boxing ring were a strange thousand cornered polygon, with one wrestler in each corner, each description taking forever, people start leaving, cause, man, come on...you can't say: "in corner 1 'the douche', feels like getting bags of manure shoved at yor face repeatedly, a wonderful sensation if you compare it to being dismembered"when you can see there are other 50 corners....you should basically go: the douche, the chance, the denial, the solution, the bastard, the game, the idea, the project, and simply list'em all and pick the one that sounds best.

Usually I'm wrong when I pick.
I make terrible assumptions about things, people...

and sometimes, let's say, the douche......is disguised as the idea, building up smoke castles with false "sensitivity crap". ("sensitivity crap" is a copyright product of: Yeah, I'm so gonna fall for that again, jerk! Inc.; donations welcome. email: itotallyam@atwit.com XD....feeling kinda déjavuish now.

Well...anyhow, I've lost the ability to decide...so...I'll just wait for it to come back...the worst thing that can happen is that I pick two different socks to wear...or have some hot chocolate with pizza...or whatever...

bang bang today lovies.

L M

Insight Out (stealing my own CW ideas)

I gave this title to one of my students, and thought, "why not use it?"

Well here I am, sitting in front of the computer one more time, on a different day, which is actually kind of the same as all the previous ones, only later in time...
Truth be told, I sound so depressive I'm starting to believe I might actually be going through some level of depression.
No, I'm not a sad person, I do not think of killing myself or "ending my misery" in any way, other than, perhaps, taking the pain in, growing up, and leaving this dose of shit behind me.
I am, in many levels, losing grip of my own emotional boundaries, limits, outbursts.

I am losing grip in many levels.

That would be more accurate.
There have been better days, I am sure, and hopefully there will be better days later on.
I am not really sure of what I want in life, what I expect of myself, of others, of everyone and everything.
This uncertainty is what is slowly dooming me to my eternal q&a loop.
"What do I want?"
"I don't know"
"How do I feel?"
"I don't know..."
"Am I happy with my life?"
"I don't know....but I don't think I am"

Cause nobody questions their happiness when they are happy.
They simply are.
Happy.-

But maybe happiness is overrated...and we just need to settle for not being unhappy.

Mediocrity being my middle name after saying that.
Let's aim high.

Kiss kiss, bang bang,

Lady Mynna

Eyes open. Doors open.

Some things are meant to be, others are not.
Sometimes you feel like it should be meant to be, when it isn't, some others you think it isn't, that everything is against it, and yet, it is.

Strangely we always come to standard conclusions, things are left unsaid, we stop thinking things over, trying to cover up the fact that we are all incredibly screwed and there's nothing, seriously nothing left for us to do but to lay back and contemplate our shitty reality (which is our own, so don't try to get out of it).

I never hesitate to report a feeling, or banter about things that are simply not well, say things just to get them off my chest, freeing my head, and heart, from the pressure that constantly builds under the pump.

Some people do not like outbursts.

Some people don't want to hear/read/see you say everything you think or feel, or breathe out loud. I don't care.

If there is something I am definitely proud of is my ability to explode.
I will never ever ever ever ever (eva eva eva eva) become one of those inexplicably numb, idiotic puppets that draw a smile on their faces with a permanent marker, without noticing that even permanent markers smudge...
I will not end up looking like a melting clown, whose only objective in life is to be liked, be normal, be politically correct, socially accepted.

Fuck that.

I wanna be free.
I want my mind, heart and soul to be free with me.

Cause this is who I am, who I always will be.

And if you don't wanna deal with me...move on move out and up up and away (cause I don't need complications)

Crystal unclear

I do not wish to be cold.
I wish to remain calm, objective, rational and understanding.
I am in a loop.
Plummeting towards my deepest emotions.

I need my instinct, my sense of survival.

I also need to let go.

I need to find in myself the will to find myself.
I am completely and utterly blocked.
Emotionally
Physically

I am broken.
And there's no tape that can fix this mess...

My mess.

My mental destruction.

I wish I could turn back time. Turn myself back. Face myself and say "This is what I want". But there's something about mirrors that jut makes me sadder.

Maybe it is my own expression.
Maybe it's someone else's reflected in mine.

Oh well...it'll pass...eventually

Sum up

I've been gone a while, yes, I know, I've neglected my own right to express myself, and publish my thoughts on the worldwide web.
However, there's a lot of things that have been going on in my mind that are way too complicated too post on a public blog site.

This said.

My exclusive one (or maybe two) person audience has requested my comeback, so I promise to post something at least in the next couple of days.

Thanks for reading, or for staring at the screen blankly trying to find any possible sense to my crazy talk, mind jolt, mood swing, ass kicking self-betrayal or whatever.

Bla bla, bye bye

See you soon

Mynna

Lip gloss and ultra fun stuff to get my mind off...

SHIT.

Well, I'm sorry but I had to, I've been looking at websites related to fashion beauty and makeup all week...and god would I love to have enough money to buy everything from clothes to contacts.

I guess I can be really shallow sometimes...but the truth is... looking pretty makes me feel better about myself, and feeling better about myself makes me act better and more self confident around other which in general not only attracts the right kind of people, but also ensures a positive and merry life, as long as feeling good, makes you happy.

And it should, if you think about it.

So, even though this will not have as big a kazaam, BANG, or baboom as my other texts which my one person audience enjoys :D
Here's something for the girls to look at, and maybe see if any of these sites relates to them, or makes them think, hey, I'd look really nice in that...or something...so.

I drink to self-esteem boosters, even virtual ones...and trust me...next month, my credit card'll have Victoria's Secret written all over it. XD

Love y'all :D

http://www.eyeslipsface.com/

http://www.victoriassecret.com/

http://www.pixibeauty.com/

http://www.reginak.com/

http://www.susilatantrik.com/

http://www.jesus-fernandez.com.ar/

There's a lot more, but you just gotta wait for the next issue (includes shoes:))

I thought I'd been clear...

But I guess we're just cloudy with chance of perhaps.

For some reason I thought I'd written something else after this blog....I don't know what the heck happened...but I can't find the others....

Weird...

Let alone I'm not the only admin in this blog...but admin nº2 made it darn clear he doesn't give a rat's ass about me...or ever did by the way, so he wouldn't have edited this...

well...hope this one sticks..

kiss kiss...

shoot out

RIP

Old friends equal....

Fun.

Someone who knows practically everything about you.

Because of the above: embarrassment...lol

Memories...all mashed up together in a pint of beer XD

Some kinda maybe sorta stir inside... who knows...am I nostalgic?

Fun again...

No words needed connection.

No explanation needed looks.

Stare = shrug = laugh

Well..anyway, I love my old friends.

But who doesn't?

They're so much better when they're old, broken and mentally challenged like myself.

Love ya.

B.

Something to laugh about.

You know there's this thing that happens to many of us...this feeling of lack of purpose.
I for one, tend to gravitate between objectives, my ability to reach them generally failing two out of three tries.
The truth is, it's extremely hard to find something you're willing to give a hundred and ten percent to. It's almost impossible to find something you're so very passionate about.
Some people do though.
Which to me is awesome.
Because I'm either too passionate about everything or lack passion alltogether.
I find excitement in the most absurd things. I fall for shiny, small, melodic, wonderful whatevers that lie in my life path.
I sometimes feel I'm like a kid, still finding interest and beauty in everything in front of me.
Soem other times I find myself rejecting every one of my thoughts and likes...they seem unimportant, brief...useless.
I always find something to think about,
to cry about,
to grin about,
to talk about,
bug about...
but I only find some peace of mind when I find something to laugh about.

Find a rat nailed to your door...

Dude that's disgusting, clean it up.

Creative writing...a basic form of communication...based on lack of edition.

No, really, there's this thing I like to call....
....
....
....
....

Suspense...

When you write and pour yourself...(or whatever you're on) onto a piece of paper or keyboard, there's an energy that grows in you and bursts out.
I hate the part of writing that involves thinking.
I love the part of thinking that involves writing.
It is strange how I don't need to stop and think what I want to say when I write here. It must have something to do with the fact there's only two people in the globe who read this and the other fact...that I don't give a darn anyways.
Well, I might give a darn, otherwise what would be the point in writing at all?
Though I do enjoy rereading my own blogs...lame.
It is definitely funny what people do when they write factlessly and simply based on personal experiences on anything related to being unrelated with anything.
(I took a deep breath after that one, I forgot to do it while I wrote ... which is something I shoud probably worry about if it starts happening too often unless I want to lose some more brain function....yeah, more).
There's no point in trying to find reason in my texts....seriously...don't try...it's a waste of your time...the only reason why I write is because there's a pressure pump in my head that sometimes starts pushing too hard and need to be let out...somehow. I really did try banging my head against the wall...but this is way better...Let alone the fact that the lack or bruising is kind of appealing.
Unless you're an emo...no offense, hope the reply is none taken, though I seriously doubt anyone in their right mind reads this blog...then again...I could be wrong...or not...wanna bet? bet ya it's no more than 5 or 6....and the bloody cowards don't leave comments....
Listen it's like a pub or a whore, if you used it and enjoyed it, then tell your friends and relatives about it....well maybe not the whore.
Or maybe not the pub...
Depends of what kinds of people you hang with.
You know there's this crazy thing called improvising that makes me go wild on the net....I can kinda say whatever the fuck I want, especially when it's not a website that censores every swear word....god would I be lost...
You'd need a lot of brains to figure out that all the ****** are not constellations or a map to a treasure island. Hell yeah.

Well...I'm done for the night...but just in case I'll say I'm just done for the post...maybe I'll come again later....you never know.

Kiss kiss

Poker everything

There's this song I enjoy listening to nonstop...acoustic version only, poker face. I believe music can cover almost any state of mind, of heart, of heartbreak.
There are only a couple other things that reflect it...in my case...my writing, my health and my ability of speech.
I guess there's not much to it really, just random shocks of light between certain parts of my nervous system. Things have become quite dull lately. Work, sleep, food...I'm starting to think that there's really nothing that nourishes me...or maybe I'm just too tired of trying to find whatever it is.
The truth is, I've never considered that things might just happen for no reason at all...I need to believe there is a connection, a cause and a consequence. But I don't seem to find them at all. It's frustrating in a whole new level.
I used to find myself completely amazed when I met certain people. I used to sculpt statues commemorating them in my mind, with beautifully entwined words of awe, of praise, growing around them like poison ivy.
I don't know if I've finally achieved that "level up" in my subconcious, or if I'm just not getting any younger and age is starting to eat up my reaction to awesomeness...or perhaps statues were made based on false foundations and my inner engineer is telling me to tear them down.
I believe there's nothing wrong with growing up, as long as you don't grow old in the process...age gracefully...that's something to take into account, only soul-wise.
Perhaps there is nothing I can do about it and I'm finally doomed to become one of those people who really have nothing to say and yet talk all the time.
I don't want to be the person I think I'm becoming.
I don't want to be who I used to be either.

I'd accommodate for anything around the middle...window seat please.

Una vuelta de tortilla

Me gustó reencontrarme con mi viejo blog...es lindo ver que uno estaba importantemente "damaged" (porque suena mejor así) y eventualmente las cosas mejoraron....se hizo la luz!

Me gustó reencontrarme con una yo más pura, menos lastimada, con menos experiencia...y ver como los problemas de ayer son ínfimos...lo que me da esperanza que los de hoy sean ínfimos mañana.

Espero.

A todos los que alguna vez leyeron esto..y en una de esas siguen leyendo.

Gracias.

Y a todos mis afectos: Los adoro.

Beso

Lady

Back in Black.....Velvet....

Bueno, estoy de vuelta, hay quienes dicen que no existen las casualidades....yo creo en la señales, signos de que algo anda mal.
Recibí a mi e-mail una notificacion de un comment en este texto....(irrelevante de que era el comment...era spam)

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

Te lo digo ya, por validez de fecha :P (aunque tarde)

Deje de escribir en este blog en el 2006...y la persona a quién le dedique ese texto en el 2005 no me habla más porque aparentemente nuestra amistad no es tan importante como su pareja.
Evidentemente o me equivoqué en cuanto al tipo de persona que era, o me equivoqué al creer que era ínfimamente importante para él.
De todas maneras, mantengo mi postura, no me voy a caer del planeta así como así porque alguien te dice que quiere que no exista.

EXISTO.

FUI PARTE DE TU VIDA.

DEAL WITH IT.

Y realmente creo que te importa una mierda lo que escribo, o que te mande algún mensaje o mail...pero sigo intentando, porque para mi si existís, fuiste parte de mi vida, y nunca quiero que dejes de serlo.
Y espero que cuando dentro de un tiempo quiera que seas padrino de alguno de mis hijos no me digas, "no, porque no se supone que deba hablarte."

You matter to me,

Te quiero.

and I hope u still know who you are....and take this message seriously.

El sexo no lo es todo...pero a quién le importa?

He vuelto sisi...
La vida me mostró un par de cosas:
1- no abandones un blog por otro sólo porque estás en pareja.
2- no te cases prematuramente.
3- todo llega.
4- la vida hay que disfrutarla mientras dure.
5- El sol sale también de noche, y va al bar único...jjajjajajaj

El amor duele, pero ya no duele porque ya no es amor.
Los sueños se reconstruyen y mejoran
Las utopías SIEMPRE son inalcanzables no importa cuánto las desees.
No todos los caminos ni las vidas corren a la par.
Una llave no significa eternidad.
Y podés pasar doce horas en el paraíso con un ángel sin salir de una habitación.

LA VERDAD, ES QUE NO SE PUEDE PONER MEJOR.

SALUDOS MIS QUERIDOS NO LECTORES...

y si

hoy...es mi cumpleaños...y todo....sigue igual

Lights out-Lights on-Lights out...

No estoy preparada para ponerle un título todavía. Tal vez cuando termine de escribir me sienta diferente y con la libertad de hacerlo.
Ya casi termina...ya casi se acaba.
Y lo peor es que no se si quiero que se acabe o si quiero seguir sometiendome al incordioso púlpito de falta de gracia.
Ya se que les resulta cansador e incluso tortuoso que escriba siempre con el gloom depresivo y absurdo que me encierra, pero men...no queda otra, es una realidad: realmente no sé dónde, porqué ni cómo sigo parada...
Hace unos días estaba acostada en mi cama cuando me di cuenta, milagrosamente, porque no suelo mirar por la venatana a menos que llueva, y vi, en el cielo naranja lluvioso de la noche un surco de nubes que parecían moverse como un torrente o río de montaña.
Me puse a escribir en la penumbra, pero eso es algo que NO VOY a poner en este blog...particularmente no acá.

ME resulta repugnante cualquier comida, me resultan repugnantes la mayoría de los sonidos y más aún...quiero llorar cada vez que corto el teléfono, o se apaga la música, o apago la luz, o me voy a dormir, o llamo por teléfono, o lo que sea.
y si...puse ME en mayúsculas....¿porqué?...
porque eso sólo me concierne a MI...

Antes de irme, felicitaciones a las personas que hayan tenido cambios en sus vidas últimamente, uds. saben quiénes son...creo, y nada, que les vaya bonito.

Y ahora...un par de cosas:

MALO MALO MALO ERES, NO SE DAÑA A QUIEN SE
QUIERE...

Voy a pedirte que no vuelvas más siento que me dueles todavía aquí. adentro. Y que a tu edad sepas bien lo que es...romperle el corazón a alguien así...

La verdad...nevermind the truth...I'll remain the way you like me:
loving, charming, amusing, and here...(but lying)

y el título...si lo puedo poner...